I wish I were cool enough to be a sellout archaeologist
I wish I monopolized an entire country's archaeological administration for personal aggrandizement and used my underhanded manipulation of the heritage of mankind's history to get Discovery Channel specials, like my hero Zahi Hawass. I'm even working on a headline: "Caesar's ashes conclusively found. If you disagree with me or don't give me credit for all of your work, I'll have you thrown out of the country. And also kill your cat."
I'm so glad I'm a language jockey and don't have to put up with any more than your everyday academic BS.